Grumpy Old Dan Smith

We love rankings. We want to be better than you. We take pride when the we learn that Alabama is fatter than Wisconsin. We’re giddy that our beloved Lions lead the league is bad luck. And we love to learn that California is sicker than Colorado but not as sick as Washington. And how about Iowa: Ranked number one senior SAT scores and corn production. That’s a lot of smart farmers. Rankings are designed just to make us feel better. No matter where you rank, there’s always someone ranked lower […]

Clickbait is usually a headline or an image or on the internet designed to hook you into clicking on it. Really important stuff like Thirty surprising things you don’t know about the Beverly Hillbillies. Upon draining Niagara Falls, engineers make horrific discovery. Actors who refused to kiss their co-stars. Click baits come with warnings: Warning: what happens next may shock you. Really, you won’t believe it. The publishers of click bait have one goal: page views. The theory goes that the more clicks you get, the more publishers can charge […]

Self-help books are the second most popular genre sold on Amazon. Need to tune up that body and mind? Self-help books to the rescue. Dale Carnegie started it all with How to Win Friends and Influence people in 1936. Carnegie could have called it How to Separate People From their Money While You’re Smiling. Then along came The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People-and no, smoking isn’t one of them. For a great self-help book, you need a great title. Here are a few and yes, they are all real: […]

Maybe it’s because I’ve had too many birthdays and that’s a good thing. The bad thing is that after, say age forty, your birthday just reminds you that you’re that much closer to not having any more birthdays and that’s a bad thing. Kids can’t wait for their next birthday and why not: they get presents, a cake and a party. Adults get condolences. Maybe when asked our age we should just say the decade. That way, when you’re in your fifties you could be 51 or 59—In your fifties […]

Cameo is a web site that claims to deliver personalized messages to you from your favorite celebrities. You pay a fee—which varies from celebrities—You can hire Brett Favre to wish your mother happy birthday for $300. Or how about a celebrity dog named Puggy Smalls bark a shout out to your sister. A celebrity dog? Ten bucks. Would Lassie or Rin Tin Tin sit for less? There are many names you’ll recognize but most you won’t. There are at least two Donald Trump impersonators and at least one Jayne Mansfield—who’s […]

Mascots are cute if you’re a little kid. But mascots for millionaire athletes playing for billionaire team owners? Really? We all know about the Phillie Phanatic and the San Diego Chicken. But how do you get excited about Sourdough Sam the mascot for—you guessed it The San Francisco Giants. Stuff the Magic Dragon represents the NBA’s Orlando Magic. Get it? Stuff as in dunk. Screech is a guy in an eagle get up representing the Washington Nationals baseball team. Do people screech in DC? I’ve seen it on the news. […]

Warning Labels I’m self-appointed WLHA editorial director Grumpy Old Dan Smith and here’s what makes me grumpy: Warning labels. Don’t get me wrong: I’m all for warning labels that protect me and my fellow sapiens but sometimes warning labels are just plain silly and assume we that have IQs of a rock. Here are a few. A label on a baby stroller warning you to remove your child before folding and shoving it in the minivan. A label on a take-out coffee cup warning you not to pour the hot […]

The exclamation point is arguably the most overused punctuation mark in the English language. Dust off your nearest style book and look it up. The Associated Press calls them emphatic expressions to be used to express a high degree of surprise, incredulity or other strong emotion. I get surprised and incredulous from time to time as much as the next English major and I’ll admit to using the exclamation point when I’m really upset. But when someone uses them all the time, like after a simple thank you, are they […]

This is self-appointed WLHA editorial director Grumpy Old Dan Smith and here’s what makes me grumpy: Medicine cabinets. The medicine cabinet has become, like the junk drawer, one of those places in your home to put stuff that doesn’t fit anywhere else. I have three different sizes of razor blades in mine, even though I have a beard. Piled on the razor blades are thin bars of soaps from hotels because if I’m paying that much for a room, I’m taking the soap, shampoo and shower cap. I have four […]

This is self-appointed WLHA editorial director Grumpy Old Dan Smith and here’s what makes me grumpy. Bumper Stickers. Since when did the rear bumper of a Toyota Prius become a forum for democracy? If you want to brag about your kid who just made the Memorial High School honor roll, I’m all for it. But please save your opinions about how the world is ending and why it’s my fault.  Or maybe try a more appropriate forum like the Oyster bar on the corner. And I really don’t care who […]